my grandma just asked me if i had a boyfriend and i was like “no” and she was like “well i went to a random funeral because i was bored and that’s how i met your grandfather” ??????
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
Triscuits are a good snack if you’ve already eaten all the other snacks in your house and the boxes they came in and your own hands
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled