Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
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Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Me: [pitching an idea for a comic book] Imagine a superhero whose parents are–get this–alive and well.
Exec: *under breath* whoa
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Please help me find my lost pet sloth. It was just right here and, oh, never mind, it’s still right here.
Work tip: Anytime someone leaves a room, ominously say, “And they never saw him again.”
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
My roommate got drunk and called a research station in Antarctica on my landline in 2001. When I called the phone company to see what the damage was for the hour-long call, there was a long pause before the customer service person asked, “And what country is that in?”
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.