If a burglar broke in, my dog would lick their face. But bubbles, on the other hand…
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confession: my gang’s nicknames are all just hot sauce brands
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
#have a #great #PancakeDay
Breaking news:
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Vacation Bible School is a phrase that gets less exciting for kids as each word is introduced
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
This can never not be funny 😭😭
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day