my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end
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Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
when I was 8 i stayed for dinner at a friend’s house and at dinner his Mom asked how everyone’s day was and his Dad said ‘A corpse exploded in the van again, got some in Gary’s hair too.’ His Dad was a Funeral Director and i was not allowed to have dinner there anymore.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Why did the man with no hands go to the doctor?
Because he didn’t feel well.
The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
My dog thinks I’m the most amazing person on the planet but I don’t let it go to my head since I’m pretty sure the cat has me figured out
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone