Love triangle? You mean this Dorito?
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her: I named my baby Susan
me: boring
her: she’s a puppy
me: omg I love it
SALT: ahh push it
PEPA: ahh push it
OBGYN: ahh push it{two minutes later} ooh baby baby
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Not😆🤣
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
I dropped my popcicle in the tub. I’m awfully sad. It was banana. Now it just tastes like bubble bath.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
You got this…
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Friend: How was your job interview?
Me: I think I hugged him too long.
When the zombies finally come, I’m putting ”ORGANIC” stickers on all the vegans…
Y’know, to buy myself some time.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!