Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
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HAPPY NEW YEAR!
My resolutions are:
1) Stop making any lists.
B) Be more stable.
7) Learn to count.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I love carbs so much, I’d let them look through my phone.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
Why be part of the problem when you can be all of it?
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
Boyfriend: I’m home! (looks into garbage can) Hey. Did you eat like five candy bars today?
Me: AM I UNDER INVESTIGATION HERE!?*
*i did
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.