You Might Also Like
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
narrator: and here we see the majestic bal-
toupeed eagle: what?
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
I’m an avid indoorsman.
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.