My mom would probably complain in my funeral about how somebody’s son died better
You Might Also Like
I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.
Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.
Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated
brian had himself a morning…
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
” Wife: there is a man at the door with a mustache.
Husband: tell him i’ve already got one. “
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you