Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
You Might Also Like
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Date: any pets?
Me: a pet rock
D: lol at least u don’t have to housetrain it
Me: *flashback to piles of pebbles all over my house* haha yeah
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
*remembers company is coming*
*checks all the garbage cans, switching out Walmart bags for real trash bags like some sort of rich person*
I love how Hello Fresh always gives me way more garlic than I need. I admire a company not afraid to take a firm stance against Dracula.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
*leads wife into bedroom where rose petals on comforter spell out “NO, YOU TAKE OUT THE GARBAGE”
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
[joins a conga line]
me: I can leave any time I like
[someone joins behind]
me: oh no