I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
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Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
gordon ramsay: we need you to make a twist on an american classic
me [boiling hotdog in baja blast mountain dew]: yes chef
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.
You can start billing people for psychic readings.
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
no one ever comes back
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.