Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
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5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
Wrong hole.
-trying to put on my distressed denim jeans
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
brian had himself a morning…
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
gm
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it