him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
You Might Also Like
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Tomorrow is school picture day
Can 9 choose his own clothes? Yes
Did I just remove clothes from his closet I don’t want him to choose? Also yes
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
Do not steal food from the science building!
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
I’m less popular then mushrooms, because I’m not a fungi
“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”
-How I Met Your Stepmother
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™