I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
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bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself