Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
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interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Email: 48 people have viewed your LinkedIn profile
Me: I still have a LinkedIn profile?
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Saint West, the patron of selfies
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
The dinosaurs’ extinction is even sadder if you picture a t-rex desperately trying to wave to warn everybody but nobody can see it.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My husband pissed me off so I recalibrated the bathroom scale and added 10 pounds to the reading.
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
Same post same
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.