me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
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dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
My mom misses having young grandchildren, so once a week she picks up my dog and takes her out for breakfast.
Went to a humanist wedding a few weeks ago. One of the lovely things was the rings being passed round during the ceremony, allowing us all to make a wish for the couple as we held them. After, asked my son what he’d wished for. He replied, “I misunderstood & wished for a puppy.”
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time