Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
My college career succinctly summed up in a meme.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
That toilet didn’t deserve what I did to it today.
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
My dad is helping me clean my apartment. He picked up my vr controller and asked “Do I wanna know what this is? I’m not judging”
Please send help, I’m am deceased.
Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!