[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
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[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
“love means never having to say you’re sorry”
“that is not what love means”
“sorry”
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler