“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
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All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
yea so i messed up lol
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.