*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
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Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
me: I made a model of the himalayas
friend: did you build them to scale?
me: no, just to look at
friend: what
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”