A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
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Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
[me, first day on a farm] I’ve been milking this horse for 20 minutes now and he seems to be enjoying it
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Girl: Gonna keep having sex with this guy until he changes for me
Guy: Can’t believe she keeps having sex w/me I better not change a thing
Did you know most countries make you keep your shirt on during all you can eat ribs night?
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
#TopTip
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Why are you laughing?
A J O K E
Tell me?
W H Y D I D T H E M A N D I E A L O N E
I don’t get it
Y O U W I L L
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Pretty much! 😂👀
6y/o: Mommy, do you know what a Ouija board is?
Me: Yes.
6y/o: Let’s get one so we can talk to you later.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Times when the world seems different somehow:
– being in your elementary school as an adult
– being in a pool when it rains
– train stations at night
– when the ghost of the girl who died in your building tells you to get out or die
– walking through fresh snow by yourself
I don’t ever use my blinker. It’s nobody’s business where I’m going.
Just seconds before we make the jump to light speed the captain nears my console to check my calculations. I minimise solitaire just in time