I’m not lazy
You Might Also Like
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
SOMEONE IS AT THEIR HOUSE!!!
– dogs
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
My kids used to get so mad at me for not picking them up after school. But, good mothers don’t drink and drive.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
Hello 911?
“What’s your emergency?”
You work in a building?
“Yes”
Inside?
“Yes WHAT’S YOUR EM-”
So you’re saying 911’s an inside job?!
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.