“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
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very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Cake safety first. Always.
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
doctor: im afraid we’re going to have to amputate a leg
flamingo: i’ll manage
spider: same
snake: i have a question
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
The “baby” on the left….
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
Inventor of beer: This will change the world.
Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
One venti cheeseburger please.
🙁
The smoothest fall of all time