“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
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Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
The 6yo told my husband to be a dear, which seemed weirdly old-fashioned until I realized it was deer and he wanted to attack him with a toy cheetah
woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Going to a baby shower and I’m real nervous, do they just kind of pour down on you? If you catch one do you have to keep it?
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?