Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
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Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
They say too much sex causes memory loss.
I read this in a medical journal, on Tuesday, December 4th, 1995, at 2:45, in my doctor’s office. The man sitting next to me had dark hair, was wearing a blue shirt, and had a scar on his hand.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
mumsnet is amazing
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
…..pretty much.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
the prophecies have been fulfilled