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Cashier: the receipt is in the bag
Me: you too
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
⛄️
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
what kind of cook setting is this??
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
ME: *walks in with ball rammed into my mouth* Happeh nuh?
JUDGE: Not what a gagging order means! Are you sure you want to defend yourself?
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
“Oh you just put lotion on?
You’re not going anywhere.”
– Doorknob
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*