just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
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Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
85% of conversations with my mom is trying to figure out who the “she” in her story is.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
My favorite part of football is when players “look to God.”
Because He’s all, “I can’t do shit for the Middle East but I’m rooting for YOU.”
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
me: a beloved member of my family died
college professor: show me the body or take the quiz
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.