I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
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One of these days I’m going to see a video on Tik Tok that tells me I have been breathing wrong my whole life and I’m just gonna stop.
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Me: i’m so hungover.
Wife: what do you need?
Me: *groans* some hair of the dog.
Wife: *empties vacuum bag on me*
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Cleaning out my handbag. Wondering if nine pens are enough.
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Going into Monday like
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet