Ha
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Inventor of fridge door ice cube dispenser: Let’s consistently surprise them with an extra ice cube that randomly shoots out after they are done filling their glass.
*Awkward missed high fives around boardroom table*
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Sometimes I think about the time I ditched school and hitchhiked and got picked up by a substitute teacher.
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
You have been warned.
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.