“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
You Might Also Like
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Time machine ads be like:
“Can you here me now?”
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
My son said his friend’s parents took him to Disney World for getting good grades and suddenly I’m not angry about his C- in math anymore.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
How did we not see this back then?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My current hobbies include buying crap that my kids don’t need and complaining that my kids’ crap is everywhere.
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit