When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
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if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Listening to my mom tell a story is akin to a verbal version of Russian nesting dolls.
My neighbors hate me because I still haven’t taken my Groundhog Day decorations down.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
[creation of trees]
god: when it’s warm you’ll be covered in leaves
tree: like a big coat?
god: yes but when it’s cold they’ll all fall off
tree: (eyes narrow) how long have you been doing this job
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.