[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
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The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
[faulty megaphone]
LISTEN MAN, I {dont} THINK YOU SHOULD DO IT. THERE’S {no} HOPE IF YOU DO.
[bangs megaphone on hand]
JUST {dont} KILL THEM
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
*God creating Eminem*
This one will really hate his mom, but also be really obsessed with her spaghetti.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I love you…
…r dog.
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.