She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
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Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
[waterloo]
napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing
general: yea
napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this
My brother just sent me his Christmas wishlist, there’s a ham on it, only a ham.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
sry
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
ODE TO TWITTER
🎶Twinkle, twinkle little star,
How I wonder where you are,
Twitter changed you to a heart,
I don’t think they’re very smart🎶
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE