By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?
90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Sorry I have been gone for the last two days, my son had a quick story to tell me
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
I just saved a ton of money by using my Pizza Hut points to order free pizza- earned from the ton of money I spent on previously ordered pizza.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby