james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
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“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen
“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
people don’t get a second dog. they get their dog a dog
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!