Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
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Wife: can you give the kids a talk on drugs?
Me: ok but I talk a lot of shit when I’m high
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
My uterus really needs a new lining every month? Seems ungrateful. What’s wrong with the lining I got you last month. It was brand new
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
me: one Big Mac with no cherries
cashier: cherries?
me: no thanks
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
[Invention of Tennis]
“…and you just try to hit it back to me”
Wow, that’s really simple
“Yeah, I wanted it to be very straightforward”
For sure that’s the best part about it
“Uncomplicated, you know what I mean?”
Exactly! No weird stuff
“Yeah”
So how do you keep score?
dentist: the guy in the waiting room says your mother is ugly
patient: he doesn’t even know my mom
dentist: maybe you should punch him in the teeth
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”