A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
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“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
I keep having this dream that I’m being carried off by a giant squirrel. Does that make me nuts?
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
uh oh
Football player: please God, let my team win
God: ok sure, that’s simple enough
Football player on other team: God please let my team win
God: oh no
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Its a little cheesy but holding up a boom box outside her window and blasting the song “Cotton Eye Joe” will win her back everytime
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Date: I usually go for the most annoying people possible
Me: actually I just listened to a podcast about that..
Date: *starts playing with hair* oh really
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.