Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
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So sick of all these stupid rules
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
me when I see my crush
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.
[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]
I celebrate International Women’s Day by visiting my local CVS and torching all their ‘JUST FOR MEN’ products while screaming: “NOT TODAY!”