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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
How to use a credit card machine:
1. Insert card.
2. Don’t remove it yet.
3. Nope, still not yet.
4. Yeah, not yet either.
5. REMOVE CARD NOW! OH MY GOD DON’T MAKE ME KEEP BEEPING AT YOU LIKE A BOMB IS ABOUT TO GO OFF!
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.