Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
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Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
please don’t invite me to your wedding unless you’re registered at arby’s
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.