My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
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[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
“I sold my hair to buy you a watch chain!”
“we said we werent doing gifts what the hell why did you sell your hair i didnt get you anything”
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
“How do you do, fellow birds?”
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
*runs into the back of wife’s leg with the grocery cart for the 5th time*
me: We meet agai-
wife: Go wait in the car
me: Ok
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.