Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
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The next time I lose my car I’m just going to let it find its own way home.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
It’s ok. I killed the oregano flake on the counter.
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
my professor scared me for a second
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Too embarrassed to buy “skinny jeans”?
Simply buy normal jeans and put on a shitload of weight.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on