I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
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[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
There has to be a better way for smoke detectors to say hey, the battery is low. Currently, they strike in the middle of the night like a serial killer, playing a twisted game of which one of the seven in the house needs immediate attention, taunting us with its three chirps.
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
going to casually drop this here so everyone can worry with me
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987
(2022)
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
looking back on it, it’s even funnier how those celebrities decided it was time to sing us that “Imagine” montage after being stuck inside for like 36 hours
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on