Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
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Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
“Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?“
Lucifer: Are you hitting on me?
HITMAN: Your husband’s sleeping with the fishes
MERMAID: I know, that’s why I want him killed
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
Risking my life for fun.
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma