Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
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I never go anywhere without a couple dozen shrimp in my pocket. They’re my ‘running around, doing whatever’ shrimp.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
“My kazoo!!!!” is apparently the 6 year-old version of finding $20 in the pocket of your winter coat from last year.
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Teen: Your outfit is on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your MOM is on fleek.
Teen: (smiles) Thank you!
Me: God damn it.
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here