The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
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Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
As they strap me into the electric chair, I realize the warden is about to discover the 3 ounces of contraband popcorn kernels I have up my rectum.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
[husband and wife decide to try swinging]
Wife: I never should’ve agreed to this, it’s only fun for you
Husband: PUSH ME HIGHER! WEEEEE!
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
Wait just one second … Brits don’t have outlets in their bathrooms? It’s illegal?? How do you charge your phone? Dry your hair? Prep your electric razor? Watch tv? Toast your PopTarts?
Hey so remember when Malfoy was a jerk in year 1 and Harry got snarky right back and they became Instant Enemies? Well what if Harry had just been like “come on, man, let’s all be friends” and all the Houses were united and super chill
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
You can tell a lot about a person by their avi.
For instance if they use an egg, they’re probably a chicken.