It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
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If Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson returned to wrestling to fight Sammy ‘The Scissors’ Nelson would it appear on paper view?
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
did it work
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it’s fun to push things down the stairs.
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
3yo: why do you have to die one day?
Me: probably because of something I said to mommy.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.
This a good idea
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”