i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
Friend: can I borrow £20?
Me: No.
*slides me £20
Friend: How about now?
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I got my grandma an air fryer and she told me I can take it back to the store cause she uses oil in her house 😭😭
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
If you walk into a meeting and say “sorry, I have to go to another meeting.”
You can avoid every meeting.
You’re welcome.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.