[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
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Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Daughter: dada what does nocturnal mean?
Me: it means active at night.
Daughter: like Batman?
Me: yes like Batman.
Daughter: dada?
Me: yes?
Daughter: am I nocturnal?
Me: [clock says 2 am] yes you are.
Daughter: am I Batman?
Me: what?
Daughter: [Batman voice] I’m Batman.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
*wins lottery*
Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves
Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—
Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
Drugs don’t ruin lives
Drug tests do
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*