[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
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Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
so it’s mythic and sexy when sirens lead men to their deaths at sea with song, but when I do it, it’s all “how did you even do that” and “what the hell”
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
The story of Narcissus falling in love with his reflection is a little far-fetched.
*takes 87 selfies*
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.