Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
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From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
Why is no one talking about this?!
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Spring cleaning checklist…
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?